When did you become affected by trichotillomania? Do you recall? Do you remember your age of onset? Do you remember how your environment felt to you? Did you share this information with anyone? How has it impacted your life? How IS it impacting your life? Where/what are your preferred 'pulling areas' of your body? Do you have preferences of an environment that is most comfortable for you to pull with satisfaction? Do you have a routine that you follow closely, nearly every time, even every time?
Help me out folks~! Post please! Writing is a form of expression that makes (many) people feel very good as it is a form of release. Trichotillomania is a disorder that tends to keep folks bottled up, shut down from others. A blog is safe. You are anonymous~!
If I can just get 1 person to post, then I can know that I am using this blog correctly. Frankly, I'm new to blogging. I am only assuming I am doing it 'correctly'. So far, no posts, however. Thus, I am not certain that my information, the blog posts, are coming through, primarily to Twitter, which is where I have been tweeting the post addresses.
Thanks to whomever will just let me know......."You're coming through, loud and clear!"
As ever,
J.T. Bean
Friday, June 15, 2012
Curious.......
Curious here. How many of you who are pullers grew up or are growing up in what would be called fractious, dysfunctional environments? Environments that had/have high to very high levels of stress? Particularly stress that seems to not get resolved? Perhaps not even noted?
Also? Would you consider yourself an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person)? If so, what are your sensitivities, specifically? Have you read about being an HSP? If not, that's some good reading. Reading that I suspect may be highly relevant to trichotillomaniacs.
Food for thought, I hope.
PAHHS (Peace & Health & Happiness & Synchronicity),
J.T. Bean
Also? Would you consider yourself an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person)? If so, what are your sensitivities, specifically? Have you read about being an HSP? If not, that's some good reading. Reading that I suspect may be highly relevant to trichotillomaniacs.
Food for thought, I hope.
PAHHS (Peace & Health & Happiness & Synchronicity),
J.T. Bean
The Agony. The Ecstasy. Discovery. Recovery.
The Agony; felt during state of 'before'....trying to decide or control 'pulling'. Also felt 'after'.......the thrill is now done and the damage done must be determined.
The Ecstasy: the clear feeling of relaxation, relief, excitement while 'pulling'. Felt during the act of pulling.
I've yet to meet a 'puller' who did not experience these two very polar opposite states of being. Have you? Even if you've never discussed 'pulling' with another (although you're pretty sure others 'know', it's just the elephant in the livingroom that isn't discussed), it is felt within you.
The 'agony state' tends to have a far greater influence as the 'ecstasy state' is felt only during the actual time one is engaged in the pulling behavior/ritual. One spends far more time NOT pulling than pulling. Pulling time is usually rather fleeting, short time span. So? Is it safe to state that, although far less time is spent engaged in pulling, feeling the 'ecstasy state', far more time is spent living in the 'agony state' because the results of a 'pulling session' are (dependent upon where one pulls) actually visible to others ?
So? Based on this, is it any wonder pullers feel usurped with negative feelings and actions? Shame. Embarrassment. Anxiety of being discovered. Anxiety that builds in between pulling sessions. Depression. Poor self image. Detachment from forming close bonds for fear of being 'discovered'. Maintaining distance, physically, between one's self and others so to not have others close enough to see the results of a pulling session. Telling untruths to justify why there are patches of hair missing, eyelashes and eyebrows awry in shape and quantity.
Where are YOU right now? What state of 'being'? Agony? Ecstasy? Discovery? Recovery?
The Ecstasy: the clear feeling of relaxation, relief, excitement while 'pulling'. Felt during the act of pulling.
I've yet to meet a 'puller' who did not experience these two very polar opposite states of being. Have you? Even if you've never discussed 'pulling' with another (although you're pretty sure others 'know', it's just the elephant in the livingroom that isn't discussed), it is felt within you.
The 'agony state' tends to have a far greater influence as the 'ecstasy state' is felt only during the actual time one is engaged in the pulling behavior/ritual. One spends far more time NOT pulling than pulling. Pulling time is usually rather fleeting, short time span. So? Is it safe to state that, although far less time is spent engaged in pulling, feeling the 'ecstasy state', far more time is spent living in the 'agony state' because the results of a 'pulling session' are (dependent upon where one pulls) actually visible to others ?
So? Based on this, is it any wonder pullers feel usurped with negative feelings and actions? Shame. Embarrassment. Anxiety of being discovered. Anxiety that builds in between pulling sessions. Depression. Poor self image. Detachment from forming close bonds for fear of being 'discovered'. Maintaining distance, physically, between one's self and others so to not have others close enough to see the results of a pulling session. Telling untruths to justify why there are patches of hair missing, eyelashes and eyebrows awry in shape and quantity.
Where are YOU right now? What state of 'being'? Agony? Ecstasy? Discovery? Recovery?
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Betwixt and Between
"Betwixt and Between". Certainly a phrase which very well describes the emotional status of one living with trichotillomania. It's 'not one nor the other'. In other words, one cannot KNOW 'will I, won't I pull today'? Will that urge/need overcome me? Will I be able to 'fight it' or will I manage to 'rise above it'? If I can't control it, why not? If so, what will I be doing that permits me to rise above it?
One thing I know is that when I am busy, my time is occupied, I feel 'safe' from pulling. It's those times when I am complacent, without anything to do, perhaps watching TV, or alone that I find myself moving into 'pull time'. And certainly? It needs to be done solo. Alone. To hide the shame and shock which I know will inevitably follow, but it is not compelling enough for me to 'not pull'. Pulling just is too satisfying, 'winning' in the scenarios described above.
The key word is certainly 'control'~! Yes~! I have, over these 46 years of my life since the onset of my trichotillomania, learned how to 'control' my pulling. I still need/want to do it, but I have learned to contain it so that, unless I reveal otherwise to another, they do not NOW know 'I am a puller'. For me? This has been what works. I tried to quit. That effort only exacerbated the urge, seemingly. Thus, I set up a 'plan with myself'; I would pull at established frequencies. And when I pull, I will permit myself to FULLY ENJOY IT~! Sound funny? Well? No. I permit myself the opportunity to embrace the whole process; pull, tap the bulbs which cover the follicle against my lower lip repeatedly for a few seconds, then just flick the hairs away. Lost to the environment without a care as they have served their purpose; pull and tap and flick~! I will work my way around my eyelashes very methodically. First the area on the outer end of the eyelid, then the next closest area, then onward until I hit the end near my nostril. It's always the same process; start with the right eye, 'complete' it, then over to the left eye. Same process on left eyelid. Since I am primarily right-handed, I use my right hand to pull. Thus? I must 'adjust' my pulling tension on my left eye, make it a lighter pull or I will pull too many~! I suppose I am actually pulling with the same tension, it just feels differently. But due to the angle of my arm, hand and fingers switching position from right eye to left eye, I have to be careful not to apply too much tension. It's also critical that I do not 'linger' on one area. Although, it's VERY tempting at times~! Sometimes an area just does not feel 'satisfied' and I want to continue to pull at that spot. It feels that there are lashes that are still intact on my lid that 'want' to be pulled. Admittedly, I sometimes DO stay at a spot too long and, inevitably, then usually a handful of hairs come out. Yikes! Definitely NOT what I wanted to happen, but it sure feels great when it happens. Of course, I complete the process by tap, tap, tapping the hair bulbs upon my lower lip until the final flick, nevermore to give further thought to the particular hairs. Those hairs that were just moment ago SO relevant are now completely irrelevant. When both eyelids are 'completed', I just relax and bask in having satisfied my urge, my need, apparently also my brain.
Next? Off to a mirror (usually the bathroom so I can shut the door and examine closely any 'damage done' or 'did I successfully pull just enough for others to not notice'? I brush lightly to note the current status, ensuring there are no 'bald spots'. If I see an area that is getting a bit bald, I know that when my next 'pull time' happens, go lightly in that area. Gotta keep this 'game going' so no one notices. A touch of mascara if I am going somewhere and I 'good to go', no odd looks or indications from others that my eyelids appear to be very thin. Aha! Success~! And since it takes between 6 to 8 weeks for new lashes to fully grow back, I can have 'pull time' in about 3 to 4 weeks, since the growing time for all the lashes is staggered since they are consistently beginning their growth cycles at various times.
Well? There's my 'current' state of trichotillomania. It used to be MUCH WORSE~! But, that will be discussion for later posts. I end, however, with this statement because it provides HOPE to those who are truly 'in the dregs' of this disorder. Who are in it to where it is, literally, ruining their lives. I've been there. I DO know how it feels. Just know.....as the ad on TV states for kids/anyone who is dealing with bullying, "It Does Get Better". Well, that applies for trichotillomania, too~! Believe it~~~!!!
As ever, your fellow 'puller',
J.T. Bean
One thing I know is that when I am busy, my time is occupied, I feel 'safe' from pulling. It's those times when I am complacent, without anything to do, perhaps watching TV, or alone that I find myself moving into 'pull time'. And certainly? It needs to be done solo. Alone. To hide the shame and shock which I know will inevitably follow, but it is not compelling enough for me to 'not pull'. Pulling just is too satisfying, 'winning' in the scenarios described above.
The key word is certainly 'control'~! Yes~! I have, over these 46 years of my life since the onset of my trichotillomania, learned how to 'control' my pulling. I still need/want to do it, but I have learned to contain it so that, unless I reveal otherwise to another, they do not NOW know 'I am a puller'. For me? This has been what works. I tried to quit. That effort only exacerbated the urge, seemingly. Thus, I set up a 'plan with myself'; I would pull at established frequencies. And when I pull, I will permit myself to FULLY ENJOY IT~! Sound funny? Well? No. I permit myself the opportunity to embrace the whole process; pull, tap the bulbs which cover the follicle against my lower lip repeatedly for a few seconds, then just flick the hairs away. Lost to the environment without a care as they have served their purpose; pull and tap and flick~! I will work my way around my eyelashes very methodically. First the area on the outer end of the eyelid, then the next closest area, then onward until I hit the end near my nostril. It's always the same process; start with the right eye, 'complete' it, then over to the left eye. Same process on left eyelid. Since I am primarily right-handed, I use my right hand to pull. Thus? I must 'adjust' my pulling tension on my left eye, make it a lighter pull or I will pull too many~! I suppose I am actually pulling with the same tension, it just feels differently. But due to the angle of my arm, hand and fingers switching position from right eye to left eye, I have to be careful not to apply too much tension. It's also critical that I do not 'linger' on one area. Although, it's VERY tempting at times~! Sometimes an area just does not feel 'satisfied' and I want to continue to pull at that spot. It feels that there are lashes that are still intact on my lid that 'want' to be pulled. Admittedly, I sometimes DO stay at a spot too long and, inevitably, then usually a handful of hairs come out. Yikes! Definitely NOT what I wanted to happen, but it sure feels great when it happens. Of course, I complete the process by tap, tap, tapping the hair bulbs upon my lower lip until the final flick, nevermore to give further thought to the particular hairs. Those hairs that were just moment ago SO relevant are now completely irrelevant. When both eyelids are 'completed', I just relax and bask in having satisfied my urge, my need, apparently also my brain.
Next? Off to a mirror (usually the bathroom so I can shut the door and examine closely any 'damage done' or 'did I successfully pull just enough for others to not notice'? I brush lightly to note the current status, ensuring there are no 'bald spots'. If I see an area that is getting a bit bald, I know that when my next 'pull time' happens, go lightly in that area. Gotta keep this 'game going' so no one notices. A touch of mascara if I am going somewhere and I 'good to go', no odd looks or indications from others that my eyelids appear to be very thin. Aha! Success~! And since it takes between 6 to 8 weeks for new lashes to fully grow back, I can have 'pull time' in about 3 to 4 weeks, since the growing time for all the lashes is staggered since they are consistently beginning their growth cycles at various times.
Well? There's my 'current' state of trichotillomania. It used to be MUCH WORSE~! But, that will be discussion for later posts. I end, however, with this statement because it provides HOPE to those who are truly 'in the dregs' of this disorder. Who are in it to where it is, literally, ruining their lives. I've been there. I DO know how it feels. Just know.....as the ad on TV states for kids/anyone who is dealing with bullying, "It Does Get Better". Well, that applies for trichotillomania, too~! Believe it~~~!!!
As ever, your fellow 'puller',
J.T. Bean
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Welcome to All
Have utilized twitter.com to publish address of this new blog; trickytrichy@blogspot.com Please feel free to add whatever 'floats your boat' in relation to your, or someone you know, personal experience with trichotillomania, an OCD (obsessive compulsive hair pulling disorder). All entries, comments welcome. Ideas on how to 'control' or 'extinguish' this disorder are particularly welcome. Whatever phase, stage, age, gender, degree to which you experience this disorder.....it's OK. This is a sharing community, here to support one another and, hopefully, provide some viable solutions.
Let your REAL feelings be known. Please, just for sake of variety of readers, be 'expressive', which may include some 'colorful language', but keep it so it is suitable for others to read, absorb and, if wanting to, make commentary in relation to the posts. Thanks and let's get this thing 'pulling forward'.......of course, pun intended~!!
J.T. Bean
Let your REAL feelings be known. Please, just for sake of variety of readers, be 'expressive', which may include some 'colorful language', but keep it so it is suitable for others to read, absorb and, if wanting to, make commentary in relation to the posts. Thanks and let's get this thing 'pulling forward'.......of course, pun intended~!!
J.T. Bean
Purpose of this blog.
Having lived with trichotillomania since around the age of 10 or 11, this blog's purpose is to express the 'life of its own' that the disorder has held upon me. It is also with intent to engage others to share their own stories, openly and without judgement. A primary intent is to provide support and enrichment to and for one another, as this is, most definitely, not an 'easy' disorder with which to live. Positive coping suggestions are highly welcomed. However, remember, these, again, are not professional methodologies. They are personal feelings, expressions and possible strategies to 'live with trichotillomania'. Also very welcomed are those who have had trichotillomania, but who no longer have the disorder. What has been your experience with the disorder? How long did you live with it? When and how did it find its end? Do you experience times of regression back into the disorder?
Let's use this blog to its maximum benefit. Let's bring trichotillomania 'out of the closet', if no where else but between us, those who live and cope and deal with it and its manifestations. Welcome to "TrickyTrichy". And thanks, in advance, for having the courage to participate and share what is, typically, a much chided, hidden and disorder of embarrassment. Let's take the 'tricks out of trich'~!!!
Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to be imparting clinical information in any fashion. Even though I served in community mental health settings for nearly 20 years in a variety of capacities and hold an M.Ed. degree in both 'mental health counseling' and 'employee counseling' areas of study, this blog is strictly and absolutely non-professional. Any information that is imparted in the posts that is professional, will be properly referenced. If anyone contributes via posting any professional information, please ensure that proper referencing is attributed directly to the proper source(s). Any posts that do not abide by such guidelines will be removed by the administrator of the blog. Thank you~!
Disclaimer: All posts become property of this blog administrator once posted. Information may be used to enhance further comprehension of this Obsessive Compulsive disorder. Never will anyone's information be directly referenced back to them personally or as an individual. Information will only be used in a general sense, if used at all. Thank you.
Let's use this blog to its maximum benefit. Let's bring trichotillomania 'out of the closet', if no where else but between us, those who live and cope and deal with it and its manifestations. Welcome to "TrickyTrichy". And thanks, in advance, for having the courage to participate and share what is, typically, a much chided, hidden and disorder of embarrassment. Let's take the 'tricks out of trich'~!!!
Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to be imparting clinical information in any fashion. Even though I served in community mental health settings for nearly 20 years in a variety of capacities and hold an M.Ed. degree in both 'mental health counseling' and 'employee counseling' areas of study, this blog is strictly and absolutely non-professional. Any information that is imparted in the posts that is professional, will be properly referenced. If anyone contributes via posting any professional information, please ensure that proper referencing is attributed directly to the proper source(s). Any posts that do not abide by such guidelines will be removed by the administrator of the blog. Thank you~!
Disclaimer: All posts become property of this blog administrator once posted. Information may be used to enhance further comprehension of this Obsessive Compulsive disorder. Never will anyone's information be directly referenced back to them personally or as an individual. Information will only be used in a general sense, if used at all. Thank you.
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