For 46 years, I've been affected by trichotillomania. Started when I was 11 years old. I surely didn't have a clue what was happening. I just knew.....I had to pull~! I was affected primarily with my eyebrows, eyelashes and pubic area. Bedtime was when I found myself most able to pull. But? If given the opportunity, I spent as much time as possible rubbing at my eyebrow. It never affected nor felt 'needed' on my left eyebrow. Only the right eyebrow. I rubbed and rubbed to the point of, to this very day, I have an actual scar where the hairs no longer grow due to the persistent irritation I forced upon them. There are even more wrinkles (yes, I have a few of those now, too~~) on my left eyebrow forehead than on my right eyebrow forehead.
46 years later, I have learned that, for me, it appears I will have the disorder chronically. The GREAT THING is that I've learned many coping skills, but 3 very important things: (1) how to control it so others don't even know I have trich and (2) I have participated in my own personal mental health counseling treatment with trained therapists; cognitive behavioral methodologies have served me well and (3) being active (kinesiology) is extremely helpful.
Point is? Living with trichotillomania seems to be far more difficult when one is younger and in the throes of its onset. Of course, when one is younger, there are fewer coping skills as yet learned. Along the course of living, one acquires more 'tools for the toolbox'. That's true about Life in general~! Living with or without trich. It's just part of developmental staging and maturation.
The flip side of the above statement is.......how many folks have aged and NOT developed effective coping mechanisms? How many folks has it completely devastated their lives? Who are, perhaps, not even alive any longer due to the depression, anxiety and distress it causes?
What works for YOU? What do you do when you get depressed? What do you do when you feel someone is staring at you? Share. Share. Share. The more we share, the more we know. Grasp onto it, embrace the suggestions if it 'feels good'. Toss it away if it doesn't seem to 'fit'. That's OK, too.
I know that right now as I write this, there are many hurting. I also know there are many who are out, feeling good about their lives as they have developed some very sustainable 'Life tools for the tool box'. Let's band together. Let's build our blog. Let's GO~~~!
Post. Post. Post. Please & Thanks~~~!
J.T. Bean
Saturday, June 16, 2012
"Getting Optimized": Blog is on "GO" now~!"
Yay! 2 people posted to the blog~! Thank you so much!
Already, we're heading into the 'nit and grit' of the power of this blog, of expression of what trichotillomania feels like internally and its outward appearance to others. Or, perhaps better stated, how one who has trichotillomania 'thinks' it appears to those without trich.
Trichotillomania is a very personal issue. Mostly because it carries with it the notion of 'secrecy', hiding it from others, yet knowing full well, it's not hidden at all~! Thus start the patterns of detachment from others, self-conscious behavior, negative body image issues. That is when the 'trich gets tricky'~! We not only try to trick others by doing all sorts of things to try, earnestly, to not let others notice that we may be missing eyelashes, eyebrows, hair on our heads, pubic region hair, even just body hairs (lanuga). Some folks pull their animals' hair. That is not intended to be mean or abusive at all. Once again, the animal's/animals' fur becomes a resource for a hair puller. The hair is there and it may be pulled. Urge present, action taken (pulling), ultimately urge satisfied. Sounds so simple, yet it is laden with layers of emotional, mental, physical appearance ramifications.
Because it is an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, it carries with it (typically) a very routinized protocol, a chaining of behaviors, a very structured and ordered plan so that the desired outcome, pulling the hair(s) may be realized. Most people tend to have preferred places to pull (perhaps your bed, your bathroom, a quiet zone) and know very well when and where to access these 'pulling places'. If something interferes with being able to access one's pulling place, it can, literally, create great discomfort emotionally. It may become an obsessive thought, literally all that one may be able to think about UNTIL 'the pulling' may be enacted satisfactorily. The drive, the motivation to 'do the pull' will become stronger in its intensity the longer one must 'go without', be deprived. Once being able to perform the compulsion, driven by the obsession, a true sense of calm and relief, even a state of euphoria will be felt. However, the trick of the trich then rears its ugly head as then the assessment of 'damage done' will quickly need to be known.
Again, it is of note how little time is actually spent in that zone of 'feeling euphoria' versus the very extended time spent in worry and shame of the outcome of the pulling session.
Let's end with that thought and inquiry; What is your process, your protocol to be able to pull? Identifying this is critical as then, once we know where we go and how we succeed in pulling, we can then make modifications. Modifications with both our environments, but especially within our thoughts~!
I will state this repeatedly; 'step by step'. One foot in front of the other. Stay with the present by 'being present within your thoughts'; awareness. And, most importantly, accepting one's self at whatever state of learning one is living. Right now. In the present. Accept. Accept. Accept. Know change is gonna come. But only with acceptance of one's self. As Ms. Ellen Degeneres frequently ends her shows, embrace her statement, "Be Kind to One Another". Well? One another includes YOU, first and foremost......
As ever and with my tank feeling optimized, "We got it going on NOW~!"
J.T. Bean
Already, we're heading into the 'nit and grit' of the power of this blog, of expression of what trichotillomania feels like internally and its outward appearance to others. Or, perhaps better stated, how one who has trichotillomania 'thinks' it appears to those without trich.
Trichotillomania is a very personal issue. Mostly because it carries with it the notion of 'secrecy', hiding it from others, yet knowing full well, it's not hidden at all~! Thus start the patterns of detachment from others, self-conscious behavior, negative body image issues. That is when the 'trich gets tricky'~! We not only try to trick others by doing all sorts of things to try, earnestly, to not let others notice that we may be missing eyelashes, eyebrows, hair on our heads, pubic region hair, even just body hairs (lanuga). Some folks pull their animals' hair. That is not intended to be mean or abusive at all. Once again, the animal's/animals' fur becomes a resource for a hair puller. The hair is there and it may be pulled. Urge present, action taken (pulling), ultimately urge satisfied. Sounds so simple, yet it is laden with layers of emotional, mental, physical appearance ramifications.
Because it is an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, it carries with it (typically) a very routinized protocol, a chaining of behaviors, a very structured and ordered plan so that the desired outcome, pulling the hair(s) may be realized. Most people tend to have preferred places to pull (perhaps your bed, your bathroom, a quiet zone) and know very well when and where to access these 'pulling places'. If something interferes with being able to access one's pulling place, it can, literally, create great discomfort emotionally. It may become an obsessive thought, literally all that one may be able to think about UNTIL 'the pulling' may be enacted satisfactorily. The drive, the motivation to 'do the pull' will become stronger in its intensity the longer one must 'go without', be deprived. Once being able to perform the compulsion, driven by the obsession, a true sense of calm and relief, even a state of euphoria will be felt. However, the trick of the trich then rears its ugly head as then the assessment of 'damage done' will quickly need to be known.
Again, it is of note how little time is actually spent in that zone of 'feeling euphoria' versus the very extended time spent in worry and shame of the outcome of the pulling session.
Let's end with that thought and inquiry; What is your process, your protocol to be able to pull? Identifying this is critical as then, once we know where we go and how we succeed in pulling, we can then make modifications. Modifications with both our environments, but especially within our thoughts~!
I will state this repeatedly; 'step by step'. One foot in front of the other. Stay with the present by 'being present within your thoughts'; awareness. And, most importantly, accepting one's self at whatever state of learning one is living. Right now. In the present. Accept. Accept. Accept. Know change is gonna come. But only with acceptance of one's self. As Ms. Ellen Degeneres frequently ends her shows, embrace her statement, "Be Kind to One Another". Well? One another includes YOU, first and foremost......
As ever and with my tank feeling optimized, "We got it going on NOW~!"
J.T. Bean
Friday, June 15, 2012
Let's get this blog rolling~!!
When did you become affected by trichotillomania? Do you recall? Do you remember your age of onset? Do you remember how your environment felt to you? Did you share this information with anyone? How has it impacted your life? How IS it impacting your life? Where/what are your preferred 'pulling areas' of your body? Do you have preferences of an environment that is most comfortable for you to pull with satisfaction? Do you have a routine that you follow closely, nearly every time, even every time?
Help me out folks~! Post please! Writing is a form of expression that makes (many) people feel very good as it is a form of release. Trichotillomania is a disorder that tends to keep folks bottled up, shut down from others. A blog is safe. You are anonymous~!
If I can just get 1 person to post, then I can know that I am using this blog correctly. Frankly, I'm new to blogging. I am only assuming I am doing it 'correctly'. So far, no posts, however. Thus, I am not certain that my information, the blog posts, are coming through, primarily to Twitter, which is where I have been tweeting the post addresses.
Thanks to whomever will just let me know......."You're coming through, loud and clear!"
As ever,
J.T. Bean
Help me out folks~! Post please! Writing is a form of expression that makes (many) people feel very good as it is a form of release. Trichotillomania is a disorder that tends to keep folks bottled up, shut down from others. A blog is safe. You are anonymous~!
If I can just get 1 person to post, then I can know that I am using this blog correctly. Frankly, I'm new to blogging. I am only assuming I am doing it 'correctly'. So far, no posts, however. Thus, I am not certain that my information, the blog posts, are coming through, primarily to Twitter, which is where I have been tweeting the post addresses.
Thanks to whomever will just let me know......."You're coming through, loud and clear!"
As ever,
J.T. Bean
Curious.......
Curious here. How many of you who are pullers grew up or are growing up in what would be called fractious, dysfunctional environments? Environments that had/have high to very high levels of stress? Particularly stress that seems to not get resolved? Perhaps not even noted?
Also? Would you consider yourself an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person)? If so, what are your sensitivities, specifically? Have you read about being an HSP? If not, that's some good reading. Reading that I suspect may be highly relevant to trichotillomaniacs.
Food for thought, I hope.
PAHHS (Peace & Health & Happiness & Synchronicity),
J.T. Bean
Also? Would you consider yourself an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person)? If so, what are your sensitivities, specifically? Have you read about being an HSP? If not, that's some good reading. Reading that I suspect may be highly relevant to trichotillomaniacs.
Food for thought, I hope.
PAHHS (Peace & Health & Happiness & Synchronicity),
J.T. Bean
The Agony. The Ecstasy. Discovery. Recovery.
The Agony; felt during state of 'before'....trying to decide or control 'pulling'. Also felt 'after'.......the thrill is now done and the damage done must be determined.
The Ecstasy: the clear feeling of relaxation, relief, excitement while 'pulling'. Felt during the act of pulling.
I've yet to meet a 'puller' who did not experience these two very polar opposite states of being. Have you? Even if you've never discussed 'pulling' with another (although you're pretty sure others 'know', it's just the elephant in the livingroom that isn't discussed), it is felt within you.
The 'agony state' tends to have a far greater influence as the 'ecstasy state' is felt only during the actual time one is engaged in the pulling behavior/ritual. One spends far more time NOT pulling than pulling. Pulling time is usually rather fleeting, short time span. So? Is it safe to state that, although far less time is spent engaged in pulling, feeling the 'ecstasy state', far more time is spent living in the 'agony state' because the results of a 'pulling session' are (dependent upon where one pulls) actually visible to others ?
So? Based on this, is it any wonder pullers feel usurped with negative feelings and actions? Shame. Embarrassment. Anxiety of being discovered. Anxiety that builds in between pulling sessions. Depression. Poor self image. Detachment from forming close bonds for fear of being 'discovered'. Maintaining distance, physically, between one's self and others so to not have others close enough to see the results of a pulling session. Telling untruths to justify why there are patches of hair missing, eyelashes and eyebrows awry in shape and quantity.
Where are YOU right now? What state of 'being'? Agony? Ecstasy? Discovery? Recovery?
The Ecstasy: the clear feeling of relaxation, relief, excitement while 'pulling'. Felt during the act of pulling.
I've yet to meet a 'puller' who did not experience these two very polar opposite states of being. Have you? Even if you've never discussed 'pulling' with another (although you're pretty sure others 'know', it's just the elephant in the livingroom that isn't discussed), it is felt within you.
The 'agony state' tends to have a far greater influence as the 'ecstasy state' is felt only during the actual time one is engaged in the pulling behavior/ritual. One spends far more time NOT pulling than pulling. Pulling time is usually rather fleeting, short time span. So? Is it safe to state that, although far less time is spent engaged in pulling, feeling the 'ecstasy state', far more time is spent living in the 'agony state' because the results of a 'pulling session' are (dependent upon where one pulls) actually visible to others ?
So? Based on this, is it any wonder pullers feel usurped with negative feelings and actions? Shame. Embarrassment. Anxiety of being discovered. Anxiety that builds in between pulling sessions. Depression. Poor self image. Detachment from forming close bonds for fear of being 'discovered'. Maintaining distance, physically, between one's self and others so to not have others close enough to see the results of a pulling session. Telling untruths to justify why there are patches of hair missing, eyelashes and eyebrows awry in shape and quantity.
Where are YOU right now? What state of 'being'? Agony? Ecstasy? Discovery? Recovery?
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Betwixt and Between
"Betwixt and Between". Certainly a phrase which very well describes the emotional status of one living with trichotillomania. It's 'not one nor the other'. In other words, one cannot KNOW 'will I, won't I pull today'? Will that urge/need overcome me? Will I be able to 'fight it' or will I manage to 'rise above it'? If I can't control it, why not? If so, what will I be doing that permits me to rise above it?
One thing I know is that when I am busy, my time is occupied, I feel 'safe' from pulling. It's those times when I am complacent, without anything to do, perhaps watching TV, or alone that I find myself moving into 'pull time'. And certainly? It needs to be done solo. Alone. To hide the shame and shock which I know will inevitably follow, but it is not compelling enough for me to 'not pull'. Pulling just is too satisfying, 'winning' in the scenarios described above.
The key word is certainly 'control'~! Yes~! I have, over these 46 years of my life since the onset of my trichotillomania, learned how to 'control' my pulling. I still need/want to do it, but I have learned to contain it so that, unless I reveal otherwise to another, they do not NOW know 'I am a puller'. For me? This has been what works. I tried to quit. That effort only exacerbated the urge, seemingly. Thus, I set up a 'plan with myself'; I would pull at established frequencies. And when I pull, I will permit myself to FULLY ENJOY IT~! Sound funny? Well? No. I permit myself the opportunity to embrace the whole process; pull, tap the bulbs which cover the follicle against my lower lip repeatedly for a few seconds, then just flick the hairs away. Lost to the environment without a care as they have served their purpose; pull and tap and flick~! I will work my way around my eyelashes very methodically. First the area on the outer end of the eyelid, then the next closest area, then onward until I hit the end near my nostril. It's always the same process; start with the right eye, 'complete' it, then over to the left eye. Same process on left eyelid. Since I am primarily right-handed, I use my right hand to pull. Thus? I must 'adjust' my pulling tension on my left eye, make it a lighter pull or I will pull too many~! I suppose I am actually pulling with the same tension, it just feels differently. But due to the angle of my arm, hand and fingers switching position from right eye to left eye, I have to be careful not to apply too much tension. It's also critical that I do not 'linger' on one area. Although, it's VERY tempting at times~! Sometimes an area just does not feel 'satisfied' and I want to continue to pull at that spot. It feels that there are lashes that are still intact on my lid that 'want' to be pulled. Admittedly, I sometimes DO stay at a spot too long and, inevitably, then usually a handful of hairs come out. Yikes! Definitely NOT what I wanted to happen, but it sure feels great when it happens. Of course, I complete the process by tap, tap, tapping the hair bulbs upon my lower lip until the final flick, nevermore to give further thought to the particular hairs. Those hairs that were just moment ago SO relevant are now completely irrelevant. When both eyelids are 'completed', I just relax and bask in having satisfied my urge, my need, apparently also my brain.
Next? Off to a mirror (usually the bathroom so I can shut the door and examine closely any 'damage done' or 'did I successfully pull just enough for others to not notice'? I brush lightly to note the current status, ensuring there are no 'bald spots'. If I see an area that is getting a bit bald, I know that when my next 'pull time' happens, go lightly in that area. Gotta keep this 'game going' so no one notices. A touch of mascara if I am going somewhere and I 'good to go', no odd looks or indications from others that my eyelids appear to be very thin. Aha! Success~! And since it takes between 6 to 8 weeks for new lashes to fully grow back, I can have 'pull time' in about 3 to 4 weeks, since the growing time for all the lashes is staggered since they are consistently beginning their growth cycles at various times.
Well? There's my 'current' state of trichotillomania. It used to be MUCH WORSE~! But, that will be discussion for later posts. I end, however, with this statement because it provides HOPE to those who are truly 'in the dregs' of this disorder. Who are in it to where it is, literally, ruining their lives. I've been there. I DO know how it feels. Just know.....as the ad on TV states for kids/anyone who is dealing with bullying, "It Does Get Better". Well, that applies for trichotillomania, too~! Believe it~~~!!!
As ever, your fellow 'puller',
J.T. Bean
One thing I know is that when I am busy, my time is occupied, I feel 'safe' from pulling. It's those times when I am complacent, without anything to do, perhaps watching TV, or alone that I find myself moving into 'pull time'. And certainly? It needs to be done solo. Alone. To hide the shame and shock which I know will inevitably follow, but it is not compelling enough for me to 'not pull'. Pulling just is too satisfying, 'winning' in the scenarios described above.
The key word is certainly 'control'~! Yes~! I have, over these 46 years of my life since the onset of my trichotillomania, learned how to 'control' my pulling. I still need/want to do it, but I have learned to contain it so that, unless I reveal otherwise to another, they do not NOW know 'I am a puller'. For me? This has been what works. I tried to quit. That effort only exacerbated the urge, seemingly. Thus, I set up a 'plan with myself'; I would pull at established frequencies. And when I pull, I will permit myself to FULLY ENJOY IT~! Sound funny? Well? No. I permit myself the opportunity to embrace the whole process; pull, tap the bulbs which cover the follicle against my lower lip repeatedly for a few seconds, then just flick the hairs away. Lost to the environment without a care as they have served their purpose; pull and tap and flick~! I will work my way around my eyelashes very methodically. First the area on the outer end of the eyelid, then the next closest area, then onward until I hit the end near my nostril. It's always the same process; start with the right eye, 'complete' it, then over to the left eye. Same process on left eyelid. Since I am primarily right-handed, I use my right hand to pull. Thus? I must 'adjust' my pulling tension on my left eye, make it a lighter pull or I will pull too many~! I suppose I am actually pulling with the same tension, it just feels differently. But due to the angle of my arm, hand and fingers switching position from right eye to left eye, I have to be careful not to apply too much tension. It's also critical that I do not 'linger' on one area. Although, it's VERY tempting at times~! Sometimes an area just does not feel 'satisfied' and I want to continue to pull at that spot. It feels that there are lashes that are still intact on my lid that 'want' to be pulled. Admittedly, I sometimes DO stay at a spot too long and, inevitably, then usually a handful of hairs come out. Yikes! Definitely NOT what I wanted to happen, but it sure feels great when it happens. Of course, I complete the process by tap, tap, tapping the hair bulbs upon my lower lip until the final flick, nevermore to give further thought to the particular hairs. Those hairs that were just moment ago SO relevant are now completely irrelevant. When both eyelids are 'completed', I just relax and bask in having satisfied my urge, my need, apparently also my brain.
Next? Off to a mirror (usually the bathroom so I can shut the door and examine closely any 'damage done' or 'did I successfully pull just enough for others to not notice'? I brush lightly to note the current status, ensuring there are no 'bald spots'. If I see an area that is getting a bit bald, I know that when my next 'pull time' happens, go lightly in that area. Gotta keep this 'game going' so no one notices. A touch of mascara if I am going somewhere and I 'good to go', no odd looks or indications from others that my eyelids appear to be very thin. Aha! Success~! And since it takes between 6 to 8 weeks for new lashes to fully grow back, I can have 'pull time' in about 3 to 4 weeks, since the growing time for all the lashes is staggered since they are consistently beginning their growth cycles at various times.
Well? There's my 'current' state of trichotillomania. It used to be MUCH WORSE~! But, that will be discussion for later posts. I end, however, with this statement because it provides HOPE to those who are truly 'in the dregs' of this disorder. Who are in it to where it is, literally, ruining their lives. I've been there. I DO know how it feels. Just know.....as the ad on TV states for kids/anyone who is dealing with bullying, "It Does Get Better". Well, that applies for trichotillomania, too~! Believe it~~~!!!
As ever, your fellow 'puller',
J.T. Bean
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